My mind is such a mess.
I'm such a mess.
What can't I be normal, just for one time in my life? I'm not even playing "the persecuted and weirdo girl", that's a fact.
I'm almost twenty one and sometimes it's like I live apart from this world, I don't belong to this planet, this air doesn't suit me and human beings cannot understand me. They don't even know what kind of thing I am.
Bye the way, what kind of creature am I? An animal? An alien? The only thing I can say is that I'm kind of a fearful curiosity. Oppressed by her feelings. Depressed by herself. I try, I'm always trying. Sometimes it's really hard to keep your head up in spite of everything happening around you.
The world is moving too fast for me and I can't follow the rythm. It's like a giant whirl with no way to exit. You HAVE TO keep the cadence, to go as fast as you can and to be as strong as it's possible to go through the experience.
Loads of people told me it's worth it. I wan't to trust them, I want to be part of them.
But tonight it's not my turn. Tonight I'm just this creature unable to breathe. This creature filled with fears and questions. This anxious little thing.
I can't control myself. I can't foresee tomorrow but it's like my mind is being really rude right now and he just wants to keep up with his plans: think about what's not happened yet, spoil everything and bring all his "little friends": insomnia, suffocation and anxiety. Good job silly mind.
I don't know why I'm making this public tonight. (or today, it depends on where you live, or when you're reading these words..)
This is not the first time it happens and it certainly won't be the last. (I'm not even pessimist, just honest with myself, this is important)
I guess I needed it. I needed to write this few lines to free myself, at least a little bit.
I always repeat that this is not a fatality. This is not the end. This is just a rough period to cross but then everything will be ok. Tomorrow will already be better. The day after tomorrow even better... And one day, I will feel perfectly fine.
You can't go up if you're not down.
I accept. I accept my weakness caused by my lack of sleep, by my stress, by all the questions gushing in my head. I accept everything. This is necessary if you don't want to be sticked in your anxiety crisis and if you've got the goal to move forward.
Words are just my little helpers to go through it faster. Too make it smoother.
You see, even if it's still not perfect, I can already feel nicer than I was thirty minutes ago.
Are you an optimistic or a pessimistic person?
Do you think anxiety is kind of a disease or rather a mood?
London, January 2014. (photo full of good thoughts)